Last night I stayed at home and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would,
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.

First, I did the short strokes,
round and round, round and round.
Then I did the long strokes,
Way up and down, way up and down.

Smash it, bash it, throw it on the floor,
Wrap it around the bedpost, slam it in the door,
Some people say that sexual intercourse is something really grand.
But speaking for myself, I'd rather use my hand.